Bitches Be cleaning

Cleaning. This is my new life.

I am now cleaner extroardinaire in no less than 4 establishments, where I am highly commended for my adeptness in all that is spick & span – to spectacular standards.

Dust & fingerprints are my krytonite & I don’t mean to sound like I’m big headed but I am fucking SMASHING THEM!

I have perfected the cleaners’ slut drop to quickly polish toddlers fingerprints from glass doors.

I am highly proficient in the cross eyed ‘is that a streak in the glass?’ studious stare – I look like I’m trying to crack a magic eye puzzle. I am fairly confident I will sprain a pupil before the end of the season. One of the chalets is approximately 80% glass….

I have battled as a petite lady making superking beds & relished in the satisfaction of the ease of making up a toddlers cot – Is this how it feels for tall/regularly heighted people to make beds?

I have not successfully mastered the art of hoovers. Two have ceased to suck for no logical reason while one agressively gave me electric shocks. Another made a crude attempt at acting like a trip wire – I broke that bad ass hoover, then whimpered & fixed it in a panic.

I have the proprioception of an agile mountain goat when it comes to cleaning the glass panels bordering the swimming pool. I would like to take this opportunity to thank the multi million pound chalet designer for allowing the ledge I have to balance on to be the exact length of my foot but not quite the space my ass requires. I know this will only get worse for me as my booty flourishes at all the dirty mark slut drops I’ve been doing.

My fitness has plateaued at the level of near collapse with aphyixiation combined with the legs of a bambi on ice when I get to the top floor of the chalet. How is my fitness not improving? I work damn hard for hours every day. How are my legs not big & strong like an ox?! I expected to be practically a centaur by now. Why are my arms not borderline Madonna toned?? How is my lung capacity not superhuman?!
I am starting to question altitude training as one massive performance enhancing cover up.
I’m on to you all *points at athletes ‘altitude training’*

I do love things about my job too…. When annoying guests leave, admiring the guests’ expensive make up, noticing things that remind me that multi billionaires are just normal people, singing my way through changeover days, my colleagues and free stale bread. This is how I’m living my current dream.

As an aspiring yacht stewardess I know this experience will be invaluable for my CV. I can’t help but wonder how tedious cleaning will be on a superyacht & what am I letting myself in for??

For the record I am still eternally on call for my actual massage therapist job…… *Looks wistfully at phone*


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